Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
One of the worst things that can ever happen to cheaters is a slow news week, but that’s the situation that Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his chief people officer, Kristin Cabot, found themselves in as the internet has turned their very public indiscretion into world news. I suppose I should put one big ole “allegedly” over this whole post since I’m not sure if Astronomer has “confirmed” the identities of Byron and Cabot as the people in the video. I’m a journalist, after all so let me be…journalistic.
For those who may have somehow, inexplicably missed this story: at a Coldplay concert outside of Boston at Gillette Stadium, Byron and Cabot were caught on the jumbotron KissCam in a boolovin’ embrace before quickly disentangling themselves and looking EVERY BIT of the guiltiest people on the planet: Cabot covered her face and turned around and Byron—oh, Byron—slumped down out of sight as if that would make their actions from two seconds prior evaporate from existence. You could argue that HIS actions are the ones that sent their story viral because a shy woman turning around from the camera isn’t news, but a white man dropping it like it’s hot after being seen on camera, well, that implies that there’s a “there” there.
Even Coldplay’s Chris Martin got in on the act, pointing out that either they were having an affair or were very shy. Spot on, Chris…spot on. A woman to Cabot’s right—since identified as Alyssa Stoddard, the newly hired Senior Director of People at Astronomer (I’m guessing several people took PTO the day after this video went viral) who was just promoted last week to Vice President of People—looks embarrassed and like she knew this was going to happen. Whew, chile. I’m sure EVERYBODY has had a rough few days around those parts. In the days since, Byron and Cabot and those tied to them have deleted social media pages and LinkedIn accounts, etc. Since “Love Island USA” is over people had a lot more time on their hands to go social media ham on The Coldplay Camera Cheaters.
For the record, the woman who posted the reaction to her Tiktok said she didn’t know who they were but also made it clear, “you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.” We in the Black community refer to that as “a word.”
Since Black men don’t cheat, there isn’t much for me to learn from this situation. I have never and would never cheat on my spouse (hey boo!) but there are people who might stand to learn a thing or two from their situation. Out of the goodness of my heart, I’ve tried to come up with a list of lessons folks might learn from their situation, ya know, for the cheaters out there thinking about going to a concert in the near future.
1. Don’t cheat.
I mean, this is probably the most no-brainer here but it had to be said: I don’t know what their personal lives look like right now but I hope it was worth it. I’m guessing that this situation has created ALL sorts of questions for Byron, who is married with children, at least. It doesn’t seem like Cabot is currently married, but I’ll bet she knows Byron is…was. Point is, if you don’t cheat you don’t go viral for cheating.
2. Learn from Andy Byron and most importantly, don’t be Andy Byron.
Listen. Listen. Byron might be a genius, but he’s dumb dumb. If you want a masterclass in looking guilty, just study Andy Byron’s moves from the video. He went from smiling as he realized they were on the camera to realizing that they were on the camera and then unlocking and quickly ducking out of sight. Not a SOUL recording this (I’d wager that NOBODY in their suite was recording them…more on that later) would have thought to put this online if he didn’t do what he did.
He did all the things guilty people with something to lose do. If he just stood there or turned his face or, I don’t know, any number of other things, I doubt this video goes viral. It ain’t like Coldplay shared it to their IG page. Nope, an enterprising person who recorded it, who knows a cheater when they see one was like, “I wonder” and the internet did its thing. Point is, don’t be Andy Byron.
3. The culture at their company must be…free.
Them folks were OUTSIDE cheating heavy. They were at a whole concert, in a suite, with co-workers being dirty. Ella Mai might as well have been singing “Boo’d Up” to them all night. The other employees are clearly in on their affair because they were hugged up tight and enjoying a night together listening to the dulcet sounds of Coldplay. I don’t know (and maybe this info is out there now) that they were in a company suite, probably on a “work outing.” Why else wasn’t Byron’s spouse there? You telling me she wouldn’t want to see Coldplay? Everybody wants to see Coldplay. Also, assuming they own that suite—the company, Astronomer achieved Unicorn status; I’ll bet not only do they own that suite, but it comes with all the bells and whistles—Byron and Cabot are cheating on company time. The disrespect is legendary.
4. Human Resources at Astronomer needs an audit.
Kind of goes without saying but the CEO canoodling with the CPO while the VP of People stands next to them, probably singing along to “Yellow” and “Viva La Vida” has violations written ALL OVER IT.
5. Coldplay’s Chris Martin is a wild boy.
He ain’t have to put the word affair out into the air like that but into the air it went and now I know who Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot are. I don’t even know my next door neighbor’s actual name and I’m not even joking.
6. If you’re going to cheat, don’t be disrespectful about it. Again, don’t be Andy Byron.
I’m assuming this should be a rule—again, Black men don’t cheat—but like, what’s appalling to me, and to probably everybody on the internet who decided to out Byron and Cabot was just the level of disrespect and HOW out they were with it. Which makes me wonder if Byron’s wife knew, but being publicly embarrassed isn’t what she signed up for and that’s a bridge too far. She reportedly removed her last name from her Facebook profile before deleting her page. Point is, cheating with something to lose this disrespectfully is actually quite ridiculous.
7. If you must cheat, you better be 10 toes down with it.
Neither Byron nor Cabot were fully invested in their cheating. They immediately tried not to get caught after they got caught. They were clearly cheating enough to be around co-workers who now all look complicit but not ready to hit the town and deal with the consequences. True criminals know that sometimes there are consequences and if you’re going to be about that life, you accept them.
8. Don’t cheat. And definitely don’t be Andy Byron if you do.
Bears repeating.
Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio and host of the award-winning podcast, “Dear Culture” on theGrio Black Podcast Network. He writes very Black things, drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest) but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said “Unknown” (Blackest).
